Young With the Soul of an Old Man

I know this may be a bit of a nitpick, but something that’s always bothered me is why everyone, man and woman, says that they are looking for a GOOD (wo)man. This would imply that there are some people who are ADVERTISING wanting the dregs of our genders. Who out there is saying “I want to deal wit a gutter tripe, worthless piece of person. Y’all can have the good ones!” Not a soul I know of, past or present. Everybody wants quality, so why the need to specify?

Conversely, what horrid piece of person would realistically stay away when people say they want a good person in their life? Nobody. Of course, everybody is the best thing since sliced bread when they are on the hunt for their better half. Words are AWESOME!

-B

Disclaimer: This is a BLOG entry. If you want short, 160 character entries, check Twitter.

Anybody who’s talked to me knows I was a big supporter of Steve Harvey’s book and talks about it. I have come out in jubilant support of his book (which you already know the name of and is plagiarized anyway), and I encouraged any conversation that anybody wanted to have about it (especially since relationships are one of my favorite topics of discussion). The boom from everything that I read and the input and output that women would give me was just wonderful. Long live the Steve…

Then….inertia set in and the initial whoop-de-whoo high of the book wore off, and I was able to read the book again for what it was, which was NOT as good of a final product as I initially thought. Do I think it’s a waste of money? No. Do I still agree with half of the book? Yes. However, I think that there are some enthymemes in there that really paint people in a very unfavorable light. First of all, a woman can only act and think like herself. Giving off a title like this will, at most, lead women to apply THEIR thought process to the male thought process, which will NEVER align. Also, both men and women are put into seemingly lumped categories that seem to be the basis of his sage advice, which is that women are humans attached to a vagina and men are hungry wolves who are ALWAYS out to devour said genitals. Not only is this NOT TRUE (in all cases), but I believe that the women who find themselves stapled to this book and making Steve’s word GOSPEL (to the point where some have wanted to bring the book with them on dates) will not only misinterpret men, but they will misvalue themselves.

I was asked one time “what is one thing you wish you could change about women?”, to which I replied “women need to value THEMSELVES over their vagina”. Too many people tell women that they should value their vagina, which is good advice, but often times, it seems as though GIRLS are being told that their vagina is the best and rarest and most precious thing about them. The problem is twofold: that a vagina is common amongst ALL females and it undermines treasuring her personality, time, mind, spirit, etc. Too often do I see women willing to whore out their emotions, money, spirit, personality, and happiness (being content with getting little in return) while putting a Fort Knox fortress around their vagina, putting a HEFTY price tag on their sex. I know of many women literally allowing themselves to be BOUGHT like commodities to the highest bidder, enforcing a “cash for ass” quid pro quo reciprocation. Last time I checked, that was prostitution. Tell a woman that, you better protect your neck.

Steve (who uses the safety blanket of “I’m not an expert on women”, even though there are chapters (even a whole section) in the book telling women how to get what they want) plays right into this concept. Women, you’re a coochie with a body attached. Lines like “from the minute a man sees you across a room, he has a plan for you” are complete poppycock. If I’m walking down the street and I see you and I want to approach you, all I see is a smile or some eyes or a face or whatever. A man who makes a plan without knowing what he’s dealing with is a fool. To believe that is to say that men think with their eyes and can come to a conclusion without giving their mind a valid chance to give them the whole picture. While there are men who ARE like that, all men (especially GOOD men) don’t do this.Empty shells of women exist everywhere, and the negatives to falling slave to these women can sometimes outweigh whatever physical gain you can celebrate by having them in your life.

His preached tactic of “hold your vagaina back from him/hold it over his head like a carrot in front of a donkey” will cause more trauma and headache, because the main thing is that women will go into relationships with the wrong armor on and will be shielding one thing, while allowing everything else to come to ruin. Steve says that most of his inspiration for the book comes from the Strawberry Letter segment of his morning show. Being an avid listener of this segment, I believe most of the problems come from a lack of emotional control. Yes, having sex changes things, but there are more instances of a woman writing because she fell for a man emotionally than physically being swept up into a whirlwind. Women are emotional creatures, so giving all t his literary praise to the cooter love will only create a new set of problems.

This brings me to one of his shining graces and “signature” principles (which has already been brought up in books dating back to 1998): the famous “90 day” rule. According to Mr. Harvey, holding out on the vaginations for 90 days will help you to sift out a lot of your problems, citing the 90 day probationary period that Ford Motor Company puts on their employees before any benefits (like insurance) are given. In a clip of him promoting the book on Tyra Show, he says the following:

“Why is it that women, who possess the greatest benefit of them all: yo lovin’, yo time, yo sexiness, yo company, yo body, al…the GREATEST benefit to man. There ain’t a man livin’ that ain’t got to have those things, but you passin’ out BENEFITS before 90 days, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THIS DUDE!!!”

This is the biggest crock in the book, because in its essence, it’s enforcing the idea that the best thing you can be to a man is a piece of meat. Note all the things he said are the same things that an escort or call girl can bring to the table. It puts NO emphasis on her emotions or her passion or her spirit or her brain, which are all things that can ENHANCE the points that Steve listed. Yes, men are tactile, but how in the world does that give way to allow women to sit themselves aside so that they can (using Steve’s 3 P’s in reference to women) profess, protect, and provide something that they share in common with ALL other females? To me, this only feeds into the problem that women have about “well, I better not hold out on the sex, because if I do, he’ll just go get it from someone who will just give it up quicker.” Men treasure things that we have to work for. If we feel that we can get EVERYTHING but the sex up front with no need to meet any of the woman’s “standards and requirements”, the minute we’re suddenly required to EARN the cookie, it doesn’t make sense. Then, we look at it from the pure tactile point of view of “I’m getting everything BUT sex from this woman that I’m not committed to, so let me go get sex from other women”. Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am, and we’re back to you. So, while you’re 90 day’ing, he could be out there playing.

Another thing that makes this 90 Day Rule not make any sense are when people like me, who haven’t had intercourse in some time (as of today, I’m at 8 years, 6 months, and 24 days). The 90 Day Rule incorrectly lumps me in as a sex hound, and would lead the woman to protect herself from a war that I’m not waging. To have this book promote me as someone who needs coddling, ego fellatio, and booty (support, loyalty, and the cookie) is outright insulting, and completely downplays and oversimplifies what I want as an ORIGINAL man. Just as every woman’s desires are unique, so are every man’s. No woman likes being given a script and treated like any other woman out there, so I really don’t agree with him giving this script that will not only skew the minds of the readers, but can lead them deeper into the pit of “saying what you want to hear” (I PROMISE you, the players have read the book and have already crafted loopholes through EVERY point he brought up. Women aren’t the ONLY ones reading this BEST SELLER, I guarantee!)

This “expert on manhood” is adopting an “us vs. them” mentality, whereas all men who agree with me are “good men”, and all the men who have reservations about the points I present are “one of them”. Reading Robert Greene’s “The 48 Laws of Power”, there is a chapter about playing on people’s need to believe in order to create a cult following that I think fully applies here. He’s praised himself on his show, talking about how no man has been able to come and refute anything that he’s said in the book. To that, I say Steve, if a man could poke holes in your book’s theories, would you give him the same public forum that you give your supporters? Would you concede and admit that you DID miss a point? I am willing to bet that he wouldn’t, or he would QUICKLY shrug them off and use his platform and status to crush the man. Of course, any WOMAN who attacks his theories will get deflected with the “I’m an expert on MEN and how MEN think” safety blanket. He’s made it a POINT to constantly insert safety blankets in the media, because of course, the book will begin to look like the flat emotional pander that it is. He once spoke about how he never expected the book to take off like this, but I promise you, he’s riding this bad boy to the end. Congrats to a man who’s once…twice…three times a husband.

-B

I’ve asked friends of mine (who are coincidentally older than I am) about their leisure habits, and often times, I will hear them talk about what they do or don’t do because “they’re too old for that”. While respecting their opinion and right to feel such a way, I continue to hammer at them with questions aimed at gaining clarity on the word “old” in their statements. I am told about lifestyles, past experiences, age, and other factors. I hear ‘em, but I’m not hearin’ ‘em, because, in my opinion, that isn’t “old”. By this time, some of them are either tuning out, getting pissed off, or are blowing me off, while chalking it up to me being “young”. Since my view of “old” is causing the confusion, I’ll make it a point to clarify my definition of “old”.

The word “old” to me is synonymous with dying, limitation, sub-mundane, lifeless, vigorless, etc. Old, in my opinion, is you laying down and falling victim to what others say you can’t do. I view it as a word that symbolizes giving up on life. I see many chronologically advanced men and women full of life and spirit, so I don’t pay attention to the announcement of age (to the point that I forcefully alter people’s age). I see spirit,effervescence, and fun in these people, so in my eyes, I will NOT allow them to be classified as old. These are people I don’t see “old” death in, but rather “young” life.

I see old and young as the “half empty/half full” concept. I know it sounds very black and white, but it’s the way I feel. Either you’re old and have one foot in the grave (in which case, why are you looking forward to living), or you embrace the fire in you. Even a small spark can trigger a roaring blaze. To me, only when you’ve given your life up to a dying ember should you embrace the word “old”. The late, great Cus D’Amato said “I believe a person dies when they no longer want to live”. This, in my head, is a DIRECT correlation to my views on young and old. I believe a person is old when they no longer want to live. Embrace the young.

-B

Well, I got yet ANOTHER updated way of findin’ out what the heck is up with me. Upon much persuasion, I’ve gotten in on the whole Twitter phenomenon. Obviously, without me needing to type of a whole essay’s worth of thoughts, you’ll probably notice that I’ll be tweeting more than blogging. I DON’T believe the blog will die because of it, but sometimes, ya just don’t feel like typing out a whole bunch of stuff to validate a blog entry.

http://www.twitter.com/souledout504

Come on and go with me…

-B

Schoolhouse Rock is going green! Schoolhouse Rock! Earth has all the heart and musical soul of the original Schoolhouse Rock, designed for a new generation of fans! Eleven all-new songs with all-new animation prove that caring about the environment can be rockin fun! The orignal Schoolhouse Rock masters have written all new songs sung by beloved voices from timeless classics like I’m Just A Bill and Conjunction Junction. There couldn’t be a better time to be educated and entertained about water conservation, recycling, biodiversity, solar power and the rainforest, the Schoolhouse Rock way!

After who knows how many years, a whole DVD full of NEW Schoolhouse Rock! Y’all already know I got it copped, locked, and loaded!

-B

There has been a considerable amount of talk and discussion regarding infidelity in relationships. Cheating has always had a well-deserved ugly head put on it, and there will always be people who fear it as the approach and maintain the relationships they are currently in. I would watch a TON of court and talk shows when I was in college (escapism was GREAT at that age), and a lot of the problems these people were reporting had infidelity at its center. (S)He cheated on me, and since then, this big snowball happened. I tune in to Steve Harvey’s Strawberry Letter segment all the time, and frequently, the problem in the letter revolves around cheating.

A lot of times, the main question people want to know is why. We, as human beings, enjoy knowing the reasoning stimuli behind occurrences, as it gives us the ability to avoid, plan for, or manipulate them. With the devastating emotional effects that cheating has on both men and women, people want to know what they can do to avoid having their mate or spouse cheat on them. As anyone with sense can tell you, men and women are programmed differently, so I’m sure that if you ask a man why men cheat and ask a woman why women cheat, you’ll get different answers. Well, I am not a woman, so I cannot say why women cheat or what a man can do to stop a woman from cheating. I AM a man, though, and can provide my take on why MEN cheat. This is not an all-encompassing universal list of reasons, but it’s my take on the top 3 principles of why men cheat.

Before I start this list, let me just say that cheating in ANY circumstance is wrong. In no way is this blog an excuse to excuse or validate someone cheating. Foolish reasons like “if my woman always accuses me of cheating and I’m not, I might as well” are stupid in whatever context you arrange it in. If you are down bad to the point that you’re down bad, then you’re down bad. My blog ain’t here to wash you clean.

I think a lot of cheating is really done out of greed, and is really the basis for all of this. I put the two together, because the concepts kinda mold into one. If you have a man that is greedy, then he will simply go out and cheat because of his insatiable appetite. This is a problem, as the greed plays on the economic concept of “infinite wants vs. finite resources” (wow, trivia from college! Woo hoo!), which basically says that human nature will always want more than the world can provide. REASONABLE and DECENT and CARING people know how to put this in check, however, and would rather remain monogamous to the one person and accentuate their positives (cause nobody’s perfect).

It then comes down to a glass half full/half empty concept, in which good monogamous men see the woman they have and celebrate what she DOES have, where as the low down ones lament what she DOESN’T have, which fuels their desire to venture out to meet that need. Whether it is a personal defect or something minute as “I wanted some, and she didn’t wanna give me none”, these cheapos like to take this road, because they feel they can put some of the culpability on the woman’s shoulders. Better to cheat as a victim than to just randomly get caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

This is also why some men cheat, because they see what they want, KNOWING it’s something they aren’t supposed to have. Temptation is a part of EVERYONE’S life, man, woman, and child. The line is drawn at the point you RESIST temptation vs. egging it on. We KNOW what’s at stake when the opportunity to cheat presents itself (ESPECIALLY when it’s “NEEDLESS/TRIVIAL”). The line is drawn when a good man turns it down because he knows a temporary high isn’t worth it, as opposed to a dog who ONLY cares about the high and that which will make HIM feel good. This mindset reminds me of Kid in the first House Party movie, where he said “well, I guess I’ll just have fun now and pay for it later”. These men who treat emotions/hearts like credit cards (buy now/pay later) forget the hidden fees sometimes, or….simply don’t care.

• Fear/Greed: Where’s the fear? Simple. The fear comes because men KNOW when they have a good thing. Whether they have a good woman or they have a woman who will tolerate them, they want to KEEP the one they care for or hold on to their best hand. They don’t want to lose the GOOD thing, which is why the cheating is done in the dark. Nobody wants to be without a good thing, but again, when this fear is coupled with greed, somebody’s set to come up short.

• Ego: Greedy idiots who are run by their own ego and arrogance will poison whoever they’re with. These are the guys who just KNOW they’re the shit and they step out because they feel like being with multiple women and/or being in multiple simultaneous relationships validates their manhood or that they feel like women SHOULD be throwing themselves at him, so he allows it to happen. Most people know that all men are egotistical to a degree, but there are some who just love the rush they get from getting it stroked that they become addicted to it. Having one woman isn’t enough, because they know that they are desired by others. Again, when the inability to fend off the temptations that come with being desired, you creep over that line to being a cheating dog. These are the guys who feed the “good man recession” idea, and figure that as long as they give the woman a little bit of something good, she is to lap up whatever he brings to her world. A lot of the guys who just brazenly cheat without any regard for the consequences involved are usually feeding into this foolishness.
• Invincibility Cloak: There are a lot of guys who have the belief that they are impervious, and the consequences of infidelity will not get to them because they feel they are just that good. They feel that if they stay on top of the layers and layers of lies they have put into play, they simply will never get caught. They “know” their women, and they know what to tell them, figuring that they will remain in the fog of lies and circle-jerkage as long as they want them to. Of course, this will lead to a blunder, and the house of cards will eventually come crashing down (darkness coming to light), but until that time comes, these “weak souls” do it because they feel they can get all the benefits of having multiple partners without suffering the arrows of infidelity.

  This circumstance goes into play HEAVILY when a man is with a woman who doesn’t stand her ground or enforce her desire to be with a man who will be faithful to her. A man will prey on a woman who doesn’t enforce her desires of the relationship and just lets the man have his way, even though he CLEARLY has obligations to uphold.

• Separation of Extracurricular Affairs and Emotion: Men are physiologically programmed differently than women, and this clash frequently comes in the arena of sexual encounters. Men have been known to view sexual activity as a sacred act to those we have our hearts invested in, while strictly going through the motions to achieve an orgasm when dealing with people who DON’T mean as much. This separation of sexual church and state leaves certain men with the mindset of trying to justify the cheating by playing up what it did and didn’t mean. They erroneously feel that if the sex didn’t mean anything, it’s excusable by some kind of man law. They fail to take into account the emotional ramifications of THE ACT. They believe that explaining how much it DIDN’T mean with a jumpoff in contrast to how much it DOES mean with his woman should mitigate his culpability or soothe her emotional core. I have yet to hear this state of mind work. I liken it to murder. I don’t care if the murder was over someone owed you $200, the ACT of murder has still been committed, and the blood of the deed remains on your hands.
• A Better Option: Chris Rock once joked “a man is basically as faithful as his options.” Men are visual, and sometimes, being presented with a “better” option may lead them to step out and experience this whole new world. They may come across a seductress with a boom-bam-kerpow body, or she may offer to bring things to his life that he isn’t experiencing in his current relationship. From here, he will take the low road, and gamble the good for the now. Of course, all that glitters isn’t gold, and catastrophic results follow.

Again, regardless of reason, cheating is not cool, and is not reflections of the woman’s shortcomings. The principle is still simple: if the urge to seek unagreed relationship alternatives, it is always the correct course of action to end the current relationship. That way, the ties and obligations of commitment will no longer apply, and one can be morally free to review other applications.

-B

I was asked who my celebrity wife would be. One of my main choices is tennis great Serena Williams. Why, you ask?

GAME ON!!!!!

-B

A man and a woman had a little baby
Yes, they did
They had three in the family
And that’s a magic number

-B

This is a pretty good book, giving women the inside scoop on the thought process of men, and how they can use this train of thought to try and close the communication gap between the genders. He presents some real talk between the covers, and I found myself agreeing with much of it. I won’t go into detail, as not to spoil the book for those who are reading it or plan to read it.

However, the last chapter is a questionnaire called “Quick Answers to the Questions You’ve Always Wanted to Ask”, where women were allowed to shoot Steve some questions men want to know from men. Seeing as I can give my own introspective without ruining the book, I decided to give it my own shot at it. I will try to keep my answers as concise as possible.

• What Do Men Find Sexy?
  It all depends on the man. Everybody is attractive to SOMEBODY. There is no universally sexy set of circumstances that will work on everyone. Men, as a collective, DO find confidence, versatility, and intelligence attractive, though. Anything on the outside is a toss-up, though.

• How Do Men Feel About Plastic Surgery, Weaves, Colored Contacts, Fake Nails, etc?
  Most good men don’t put too much stock into it, because they feel like you are trying to cover up the beauty in the real you beneath it. A man who is truly into you will enjoy YOU. Most fake men will feel lied to when they discover that your boobs AREN’T that big and half your physical accentuations AREN’T really yours. A guy who just wants sex knows that you can’t stick a fake vagina between your legs, so he won’t care.
• How Do Men Feel About Dating Women Who Are Significantly Younger Than Them?
  Like some women who date younger men, some men like younger women because it gives them the “I still got it” ego boost. Some younger people give the older person that shot of youth and vitality. Then again, there are some people who are just genuinely into younger people. No PARTICULAR universal feeling about it. As long as they’re happy, they’re happy.
• Do Men Prefer Skinny or Thick Women?
  As with the first question, it depends on the man. There are some men who nitpick and use the slightest bit of pudge to call a woman nasty/fat, and there are some men who won’t look TWICE at a petite/skinny woman without some thickness to her *raises hand*. So, it depends on the man.
• Will You Date or Marry A Woman Who Smokes?
  Nope. In my mind, a woman who smokes is VERY ugly. It’s just a very unladylike characteristics, in addition to the health risks involved. As for me, smoking is a deal-breaker.
• What Do Men Think of Their Women When They Gain Weight, or Look Different Than They Did in the Beginning of the Relationship?
  The first thing I would wonder is what was the man doing as she was putting the weight on? Most drastic physical changes don’t happen overnight, so if it were a problem, the man should have stepped up and nipped it in the bud. If he sees it affecting his woman’s self-esteem and he CARES, he’ll step up and help her out. Only a lazy man would sit around, whine about her new look, and feel like he is being led/forced to cheat. Men like this need to get better.
• Do Men Prefer Women in Flats or Heels?
  I have no idea what it is about heels, but it just adds an element of arousal to her. I’m neither a foot nor leg fetish man, but a woman with heels on looks quite good. However, a woman in heels who CAN’T WALK IN THEM is a turn-off. Don’t put on what you can’t pull off.
• Would A Man Date A Dumb Woman?
  Intellect and non-intellect are two opposites that DON’T attract. An unintelligent woman is a burden to an intelligent man. A good man will not put up with that for too long.
• What Do Men Think of Women Who Buy Men Drinks?
  They will be thinking that they have it a bit easier and the power is in their hand. They will accept the drink, but don’t be surprised if they push harder on you. Then, again, there are men who feel that women who do that are trying to infringe upon their ability to provide for them, they will be a bit offended. Most men aren’t like that.
• How Do Men Feel About Women Who Drink?
  Drinking is not a problem with men AS LONG AS SHE CAN HANDLE HER LIQUOR. Men lose respect for a careless lush. Moderation is key, and anything in excess is not a good thing.
• Should A Woman Buy A Man Gifts While They’re Dating?
  She can, but be careful and understand if a man doesn’t want to accept it. Men look at a lot of spontaneous gifts pre-commitment as a means of “locking him down” or placing him under obligation. Men have an eye for women trying to use their own tactics and turning gifts into investments when they want a return. Those same things that were “just because” become “I GOT YOU ALL THIS FOR A REASON!” If you’re going to make something a gift, make it a GIFT.
• How Do Men Feel About Women Who Ask For Money?
  Men are about as leery about spending pre-commitment money as women are about having pre-commitment sex. Most men are VERY hesitant to spend copious sums on a woman that he doesn’t want something from. Men have that “gold digger” flag in the waist of their pants like an NFL ref, and they are quick to throw it. If he’s into you and committed to you, he’s down, but if not, don’t be surprised if the request is met with resistance.
• Would Men Help Their Woman Build Her Business?
  If he cares, you’ll have to fight him to stop him. A man’s job is to care for and provide for those he cares about. As her man, it is his job to be her #1 fan, and if he cares, he’s gonna do what he can to help out.
• Do You Mind If Your Woman Doesn’t Work?
  The Bible doesn’t say that a woman HAS to work, but if she isn’t working, she better be doing SOMETHING with her life. Whether it’s making a home or whatnot, she better be doing something. A good man won’t tolerate a woman who just isn’t doing anything.
• How Do Men Really Feel About Women Drivers?
  There are good drivers of both genders, like there are bad. It spreads the spectrum.
• Does It Matter If A Woman Likes Sports?
  It really doesn’t matter, as it relates to being relationship material, but not all men like sports, either. If he’s into sports, it’s a plus, because it becomes another means of stepping into one another’s world. It’s rarely a deal breaker.
• Do Men Like Shopping?
  We like shopping for us or shopping with a purpose. Just hanging around a mall ain’t necessarily our bag.
• How Do Men Feel About Interracial Dating?
  Men, for the most part, don’t care about who THEY date, but some have issues with OTHERS doing it. I know of African-American guys who would date a white woman with no problems, but they will get monster offended if they see an African-American woman dating a white man. I just think you should be happy.
• Why Don’t Men Like To Cuddle After Sex?
  As the party who is generally doing a lot of work during sex (pumping, contorting, bending, bracing, balancing, squeezing, etc), during sex, once the sexual encounter is over, our body heat mixed with the retained heat on the bed has us in a hot, sweaty mess, and having another hot, sweaty body on us ain’t the business. After we can cool off and recharge, we are good.
• How Do You Let A Man Know That He’s Not Satisfying You Sexually?
  One of the big things that women should know about men is that they are all egotistical to a point. We take things and process them inwardly, ESPECIALLY if it involves something we are lacking or accentuating a shortcoming. In a situation like this, women should apply the “catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” approach. Rather than present a problem, present a solution. Try to help him. Don’t dog him out about it, as most men really care about how they please their women. Present the advice in a solution-based manner, so that way, you give him the opportunity to improve. If he just can’t cut it THEN, you gotta keep it real and let him know in about as caring a manner as you can. Just make sure you give him a chance to step his game up first.
• What If We Want More Sex, and We’re Not Getting It?
  This kind of stuff should be talked about before the two people get sexual. The sexual needs and urges should be COMMUNICATED. Some women figure that if they never talk about sex, then the guy won’t push a sexual agenda. The woman should know what kind of man she’s dealing with. In most cases, if she wants to step it up, he’ll be willing to move along with her. Again, you can make a lot of things easier by simple communication. Not a drawn-out “lemme ask you something” thing, but just real conversation.
• How Long is Too Long to Hold Out on Sex If We’re Not Fighting?
  I really can’t answer that question. Sex is a delicate issue with men, ESPECIALLY if it’s in a committed situation. Men can’t stand when sex is withheld as a bargaining chip or an item of payback. When that’s coupled with the fact that most women cherish monogamous sexual partners, if a man is prohibited from having sex with the person he’s remaining faithful to, he will see a problem with it. I can’t say there’s a justified timeline, but again, moderation is key.
• How Can A Woman Tell If Her Man is on the Down Low?
  I have no idea. Women’s intuition can pick up on a lot of things, so I would say trust your instincts.
• How Do Men Feel About Open Relationships?
  This is a hypocritical issue with most men, because they enjoy their ability to step out without their woman trippin’ about it, but they have an issue with their women steppin’ out with other men (I guess it’s the whole Alphamale thing). Then, there are guys who want relationships and openly want the woman to themselves and they’re against it. Then, again, there are the ones who just want what they want, so (again) they could care less about what she’s doing or who she’s with. As long as he’s gettin’ his.
• Do Men Get Bothered When You Ask Them About Their Past?
  Yea, men get bothered by it, because they feel like it’s emotional probing. We would rather you deal with us as we are. I liken this to most women not being honest and straightforward about their “number” (of sexual partners).
• How Do You Feel About A Woman Who Does Not Want Your Last Name After Marriage?
  I think that men have a problem with that, as it has this underlying implication of his wife not wanting to submit to her husband and let him be the leader of his family. I know in certain professional situations, a woman may need to hyphenate her last name, but most men believe that a woman should take her husband’s last name.
• Is It Good To Make Your Man Jealous So He Knows You Can Get Another Man If You Wanted To?
  Nope. Purposely planting the seeds of jealousy will not bear good fruit, because it’s based on the element of fear. Mates should not have to scare each other into acting right. Believe me, if your man is TRULY into you, he’s already aware that another man finds you attractive as well.
• Are Men Okay With Their Women Having Male Friends?
  Most men don’t trust their women around a bunch of men. It’s like parents tell kids: it’s not that I don’t trust YOU, I don’t trust THEM. A man likes to know that he’s the man, and a ton of OTHER men around his woman can inadvertently arouse suspicions. Again, not of her, but of them.
• Why Do Some Men Hit Women?
  Most women-beaters are weaklings, cowards, and unable to communicate. Anger is the easiest emotion to convey, and if a woman is around a man who is that unstable and feels like anger and violence is the only way to get his point across, she needs to get help to leave.
• What About Girlfriends-How Do You Feel About Them?
  *glances at book again to understand the question* Men embrace their women having girlfriends, because just like men need their boys, women need their girls. Get down, girl, go head, get down.
• How Do Men Feel About Gossip?
  Men don’t like gossip. It’s like needlessly getting involved in drama, because that’s what most gossip is rooted in.
• Will Men Talk About Their Women to Other Men?
  Men are VERY protective of women who mean a lot to them. They shield them from the arrows that others may throw. Men know that their are people who hate on happiness, and they note it when they talking about the women who don’t mean as much to them. We do this because we are emotionally invested is these women ans we don’t want anything to happen to them. It’s like the first line of defense in protecting our women. Men may talk ABOUT their women, but rarely do we just open the gates and spill our guts.
• Is Getting on His Mom’s Side Important?
  It’s been said that fathers are protective of their daughters and mothers are protective of their sons. The man’s mother is the closest woman to him and she is the woman who knows him best, so please believe that his mother’s input on the woman will have a bearing on his conclusions about her. To expect to get into a man’s good graces without getting along with the mother is not easy.
• If A Man’s Sister Doesn’t Like His Girlfriend, Will He Break Up With Her?
  Depending on her reasons, he will or won’t. If he knows his sister is conniving, he won’t worry, but if she notices her flirting with every male family member she sees, please believe the sister will whistle blow. I think it all depends on the relationship he has on his sister. He’ll at least hear her out.
• If He Doesn’t Like Your Family, Will He Stay With You?
  It depends on how tied to the family the woman is. Then again, the man should know about the woman’s family before he gets serious. He will want to know of the people that are closest to his woman. If she chooses family and trying to calm the man down, he’s gonna go and leave you to be with your family.
• How Do Men Feel About Baby Daddy?
  I really don’t think I’m qualified to speak on this, due to my views on dating women with children.
• Will My Man Expect Me to Be Friends With His Child’s Mother?
  If he cares about you, he’ll make room for the two of you to befriend each other IF YOU TWO WANT THAT. Obviously, she’s gonna be a mainstay in his life because of the child, so he wants you to know about her and to open dialogue so that you are comfortable with her place in his life and that you be comfortable with it. A man cherishes his woman’s comfort level.
• Is It Okay to Interrupt His Day at Work to Talk?
  It really all depends on what she’s calling to talk about. If it’s important or something to add a bit of spice/happiness to the day, it’s all good. If it’s a call to gossip and on some “look what happened” stuff, let him work.
• What’s the International Man Signal For “I’m No Longer Listening to You”?
  Listen to him. If he’s like “let’s find a solution and end this”, he’s tuning out. He’s giving you an out to end it while he’s still listening. Also, when you notice him start to space out
• Do Men Like Women Who Cook More Than Women Who Don’t?
  Two sides to this one as well. Men like women who enjoy doing things for their man, but on the other hand, if she doesn’t, we can appreciate a woman who is willing to learn to cook or learn to cook WITH him. It’s an opportunity for quality time, which is its own plus.
• Do Men Secretly Evaluate Whether You’ll Be A Good Mother, Homemaker, etc?
  If you are a woman we want to cultivate something with, we factor ALL that in. If you’re just a jump-off or whatever, we could care less, because it has nothing to do with our destination. A man’s evaluation all depends on how he sees you. If he JUST wants sex, he’ll only look at the aspects surrounding that. If he’s about wanting you around for the long-term, he’s keeping mental notes. He won’t always say, but I PROMISE, he’s paying attention.
• How Do Men Feel About the Way A Woman Keeps Her House?
  It most definitely matters, because a person’s house is their sanctuary, and if you don’t value your sanctuary enough to keep it up (ESPECIALLY when you know we’re coming for a certain time), it speaks negative things about her. Besides seeing you in a condition that looks less than desireable, it says we aren’t worth you neatening up. I think more importantly (to me, at least), is how clean her BATHROOM is. I understand I may have caught you in the middle of laundry on the weekend, but a dirty bathroom is inexcusable (and nasty).
• Are Men Looking For Specific Details, Like Credit, When They’re Considering Long-Term Commitment?
  Things like this let us know what the woman is/was like before we came into her life. Before it becomes a write-off, though, I think it should be something you should talk about. There are situations where credit has been affected by circumstances that are reasonable. Now, if your credit is bad due to fiscal irresponsibility, it translates as a red flag. Irresponsible women are a huge turn-off.
• Would A Man Follow A Woman Who Has to Move Because of Her Career?
  Unless he’s VERY committed and into you and sees a return on the investment, he will stay where he’s at. Picking up and moving for someone is a HUGE step, and if he’s not into you like that, he will remain local.
• Will Men Go To Counseling?
  If he feels the woman is worth it, he will do it without question. Otherwise, he will see it as her trying to get reinforcements to CHANGE him (and most men are resistant to other people trying to MAKE them change). How this woman fits into his life and his heart will determine that. I would definitely say that men won’t do this with anyone he’s not serious with.
• How Do Men Feel About Surprises?
  Men love knowing that a woman has tailored and customized an experience for her man’s liking. However, some men are iffy about that in the beginning, because certain men may associate receiving gifts with an investment he doesn’t agree with that she may try to get returns on later.
• Do Men Worry About Their Woman Cheating?
  Usually, men who are either insecure or doing dirt are the ones who worry about their woman cheating on them. I say that because someone who is insecure plays up their own shortcomings and overemphasizes others’ strong points to the point that they feel less than worthy. The ones who do the dirt are the ones who know what it’s like to handle business off on the side and try to hide it, so thoughts roll through about whether or not SHE is handlin’ business, too.

I know this was a long list (I didn’t know it would have been this long at the start), but hey, it’s real talk.

-B

Men, men, men, men. Lemme talk to you for a minute. We got some things we need to discuss. Women of today are being let down and left for loneliness at an alarming rate, due to our selfishness and immaturity. We really need to get better. Man to man, I just need to voice some of the concerns that the ladies are having in which WE need to get it together. There’s no gimmick or special numbering mechanism in place here. It’s just real talk. Of course, I’m speaking to the brothers out there with a heart and a conscience, as most heartless people don’t care anyway and are just out for themselves.

1. Figure Out What You Want: A lot of times, we are motivated by what we want (cars, clothes, clout, etc.), and we should. We are hunter/gatherers. We are bred by instinct to seek out that which we want and bring it into our world. The problem is that the laxed attitude of figuring out exactly WHAT we want in our world in certain areas of life DON’T translate well when dealing with women. The way we can go into a store, pick up three shirts, look at the best things about them all, buy them, and keep them in a calculated rotation does NOT work when dealing with women. The whole thing of getting with a woman and SEEMINGLY “not knowing what you want” will only lead to emotional deterioration. I say seemingly, because we all know WHAT we want, but we fear either not getting it by making it known, or we figure we can play the “over time, I can convince her to change the no to a yes” GAME (that’s right, I said it). Men CONSTANTLY say they hate when a woman gets with them, thinking they can “change” him, so why the hell do WE feel that if we throw emotional jabs at a woman, we can “change” them? Where is the allowed double standard that makes this twisted thought process work?

2. Get Control of Your Emotions: Piggybacking on the first thing, this item here is a BIG problem amongst men. When we want what we want and we see what we want, we know that the last step is to man up and go GET IT. The problem (when dealing with a woman) is, a LOT of men go to these situations with their hearts, egos, and fear of rejection on their sleeves. We want the encounter to go just as we want it to, and we want to get the girl. We want to assure her that our motives are on the up and up, we aren’t players, we are good guys, and we want to be good guys to them, ALL in the beginning.

   However, when we DON’T meet the mark (and no man will ALWAYS meet it), our crushed ego and hurt feelings won’t allow us to leave the encounter at her polite decline. We have to go into “guerilla ego” mode, by making ourselves feel better by demeaning this SAME woman we thought was so beautiful and had so much to offer. We need to stop that and either learn to appreciate the word no, as not all that glitters is gold.

   This concept is also a problem when this same principle stops us from even approaching in the first place. Women can sniff out manufactured confidence, so we feel that if we can’t go in and be PERFECT, better to not go in at ALL. The problem with that train of thought is that not only do we not get what we want, we also let golden opportunities pass us by. You cannot learn if you never open the book. As we MAN UP and just say hi, we will find ourselves a lot more successful than we think.

   The last thing I’ll touch on as it relates to this topic is the “I can’t commit to you, as I’ve been hurt in the past” GAME. Listen, brothers. We need to STOP with this foolishness. If you feel like you can’t commit, don’t put yourself in the position to have this request made of you. I’ll touch on it in detail later, but leave this EXCUSE in the dust. If you need time to heal, FALL BACK and heal. Also, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND WHO HAS BEEN HURT BEFORE! Stop making this bullshit appeal like you’re breaking some new ground, and for that reason, should be forbidden from having responsibilities demanded of you. Finally, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO HEAL?! Life is a “no risk, no reward” business. If you ALWAYS let the failures of the past prohibit you from taking a chance on your future, you’ll end up a SAD case. Let’s be honest, though. It’s all a front to stop a woman from requiring more from you, while still being allowed to have your way with her. We need to get better.

3. Recognize Quality When You Have It: SO many women, SO SO SO many women are plagued with this problem. GOOD women who would make a WONDERFUL girlfriend/spouse are left alone because men are blinded by the short-term feeling of infatuation and/or vagina. Men who equate their worth with how many women call them or want them. If you find yourself with a woman you’re digging and who’s digging you, it is YOUR job as a man to recognize when you got quality, because I PROMISE you, if you don’t, another man will. There are a lot of women out there who are NOT out for our money or status, but just want to be in a GOOD, WHOLESOME relationship with the security of long-term togetherness. All this half-hearted connection bullshit just to save face and be in someone else’s face will leave you with a face full of yourself.

   “The most beautiful woman in the world is your ex-woman on the arm of another man…”

   Don’t victimize yourself, brothers.

4. Vagina Isn’t Always Right: The power of the P-U-SS-Y. Yea, the urge for sex is a trait that we, as males, will always possess. We can’t get around it. The PROBLEM is that this is the MAIN problem that cockblocks us from not only OUR happiness, but the happiness of those who we would be a good fit for (no pun intended). While we possess the urge to have sex, we, as humans, were also blessed with the concept of SELF-CONTROL. Let me say that again. SELF-CONTROL. Your penis may want to jump out and do touchdown dances in a moist cave all it wants to, but WE need to learn to CONTROL it, instead of letting IT control US. We pass over perfectly GOOD women we respect and admire to entertain the easy catch we don’t and won’t give a damn about after it’s over. These booty calls, side pieces, and jumpoffs need to become a thing of the past, because they VERY RARELY end up at any kind of desireable end point. Getting the jumpoff pregnant and having your life stapled to a woman you can’t stand/barely know is NOT the business!

   This combined with #2 is lethal. Guys, if we want sex, just go and say that. We need to stop getting these women attached to us, thinking there is a future, when all we see is the future between her legs. I know a COUPLE women who would entertain the notion of sex with men who would just come up and make their intentions known up front. Removing the super strength adhesive of a woman’s emotions after you’ve used her is a sticky, messy, and dangerous situation. We don’t make it ANY easier for the REAL men who actually WANT something with this woman. We only give the good men MORE hoops to jump through to make up for the lesson we taught her. This is NOT a good look, and we need to get better.

5. Stop Making Excuses: Men, we…*sigh* we always have a reason or an excuse as to why what WE’RE doing is SO MUCH different than what the next man who’s doing the SAME thing is doing. Part of manning up is taking RESPONSIBILITY for exactly what it is that you want. Again, if you just wanna hit it, SAY THAT. Sure, you risk rejection at a much higher rate, but the woman will APPRECIATE the fact that you spared her the empty investment. We don’t appear to be any more of a man if we are constantly trying to break free from the chains we put ourselves in. If you fuck up, man up and take your charge. Don’t try to weasel your way out of your shortcoming, but expect to give the woman HELL when she misses the mark. We only show OUR insecurity that way, and we can turn OUR beauty to ugliness in her eyes.

   It all comes down to being smart. If you know that in the long term, this woman is worth the effort, you will do what you need to do to make it work. If you don’t care about the woman one way or the other, LET HER GO! Stop keeping these women in emotional bondage because it’s all about you. Moving on…

6. Stop Accepting Benefits You Can’t Pay For: This right here I think is the MAIN thing that gets us in hot water with women. Women seem to have a kind of “cost” system, that grants certain exclusive benefits as the two of you grow closer. It’s a lovely concept that gives men they feel closer to the benefit of being so close. If this were the way we reciprocated, we wouldn’t have a problem. The problem is when we TAKE the benefits, but we try to skip out on the bill. If a woman tells you she doesn’t perform certain favors if she doesn’t feel the relationship will lead to commitment, DON’T accept those favors if you are not willing to provide them! Stop this selfishness of taking what’s being offered, then throwing up the “I never asked you for it” excuse when it’s time to ante up!

   When you go out to eat, you don’t skip on the check, so WHY do we feel that it’s okay to do a woman like that?! Taking her money, heart, and body without flinch or freeze, but when they ask that you provide the mental and emotional security of knowing that you’re giving them exclusive attention, suddenly, you gotta turn the lights on and have a talk. Nah uh, Jack. The word “special” has a meaning.

Guys, we do a good bit well, and for that, we deserve a pat on the back, and our just kudos. The good things we do shine a glimmer of hope in the eyes of women who want to believe that good men DO exist. However, we really have stuff to get together. I, too, have had to learn some of these lessons the hard way, but the key is the lesson and its application. A lot of us guys have fallen in the eyes of the fairer sex, and WE need to stop pointing the fingers at women and blaming their “over-emotional attachment” on our inability to handle our business. We need to get better.

-B